Friday, September 3, 2010
I have to say a word about my weight. That word is: UNCHANGING. On any typical day, it fluctuates from about 213-216. I have been running for a while now. My relationship with food has improved, although it definitely isn't perfect. I was really hoping for more results by now. My fear is that I have a thyroid problem that will prevent weight loss. Last summer, (back when I still had health insurance) my doctor told me I had a little bit of a thyroid imbalance, but not enough for medication. I've gained 30 lbs in a year. Which is a lot...but it was also a pretty sedentary year. Actually, let me be more clear. I gained 30 lbs from June of last year until March of this year. Since April, I have been exercising and trying to watch what I eat. I have lost approximately 1-4 lbs in the last5 months. I've also lost anywhere from 2-4 inches off my waist, but these results came pretty early in the game and have stayed stagnant. I can't afford to go to the doctor to test my thyroid, so all I can really do is sit around and speculate and feel helpless.
Now for some food honesty. I don't keep track of calories very often and I basically let myself eat whatever I want to. I do eat more salads, drink more water, and have smaller portion sizes than I used to. But I usually skip breakfast and have coffee loaded with sugar every morning. (one one cup though) Most of the time I'll be really good and not snack at night, but then I go through phases where I'll snack all day and night for a week. When I get discouraged about my lack of weight loss, I do turn to food for comfort. (Because what is the point, anyway?) This week I discovered this awesome little sandwich shop that makes homemade lemonade and out of this world cream cheese brownies. I've treated myself twice this week. I eat out a lot...sometimes I do awesome and fill up on soup and salad and just have a little bit of entree...other times, not so much.
This is definitely a work in progress. I know that dieting and deprivation never work, so I try to just be a normal, reasonable person. This is sort of hard for me because for my entire life I have been able to eat whatever I want and have a perfect body. No joke, my body was PERFECT. Sometimes I still look at old pictures and sob. I've never been the fat girl who has to worry about anything, and I still bitterly resent having to be accountable for what I put into my body. Since my oldest daughter was born almost 9 years ago, my weight has climbed from 130 to 217. I was only 185 until last year and then I just put on a lot. (It was a really bad year though).
I feel very very helpless when it comes to my weight. I just can't help but think that even with my lack of dieting, something should have happened by now simply due to my increase in exercising. But at the very least, I am no longer GAINING weight, and for that reason alone I have to persevere. I am definitely gaining muscle, and strength, and energy. My body is seeing results as far as the way that I FEEL so I have to be doing something right. I try to just ignore the weight thing most days and focus on my running and my upcoming half marathon.
However, my speed isn't yet up to par with what I need it to be for this race. I know that if I can lose a few pounds in the next 50 days, that will really help me out in the speed department. So, in my effort to focus on the positive and stop feeling sorry for Jennifer, I am taking my power back. for the next 50 days, this is the plan:
--1500 calories per day. Period.
--More water! Drink nothing but water.
--Eat breakfast even if it kills me.
--Resume my strength training 3x per week.
I can do anything for 50 days. If I stick with it and still haven't seen any changes in my body when this time period is over, then I am going to have to find a way to go to the doctor because I will no longer be able to tell myself that I'm just not trying hard enough.
Any advice is TOTALLY welcome. I really am going to need all the support that I can get, because food is my biggest weakness. I've even avoided blogging about it until now because I just don't like to think about it. But it's time for me to think about it now.