Sunday, May 30, 2010

I'm So Mental

It's late at night and I'm not sure what I'm doing blogging at this hour, especially since I have nothing of significance to report. Especially to do with running--yeah, have NOT ran. In fact, I went on a walk yesterday for the first time in almost two weeks, and to my great dismay I could barely walk a mile without huffing, puffing, and pain in my knee. You see, I believe that I injured my knee to a greater extent than I first thought, and it's NOT healing at the rate that I hoped it would. I have had a lot of time over the past couple of weeks to think. I will admit that I didn't do as much thinking as I probably could have, because the things that I need to think about aren't pleasant. I am really at a bump in the road, and I need to get over myself and my head. At this point, I feel like an idiot for attempting to take up something so challenging as running. What was I thinking? I have never accomplished anything worthwhile in my entire life!
Also, I have been using my injury as a crutch. I cannot exercise, therefore, what is the point in eating a healthy diet? So I have been comforting myself with an overabundance of noodles and chocolate. (Not together) And every day that passes, it becomes a little bit more difficult for me to imagine myself in the role of an athlete, and my fat jeans get just a little bit tighter! I had almost resigned myself to putting running in the very tall pile of things I had never really given my all, and decided that I failed at. Hell, I still may. Who am I trying to kid?
The other night, my husband was going through some photos of last summer, and there were several of me. I think something hit me when I saw myself as I was a year ago, and it might be just the something that I need to pull myself out of this pitiful slump and try try again. The wheels in my head started to turn, and I realized that although I definitely looked better last summer than I do this summer (not fat at all and indeed almost NORMAL), I'm really not THAT far away from being there again. Oh, sure, I'm lots of weight away from my ideal body, but not from the one I had less than a year ago. Another thing I realized is that, although I can objectively look at the photographs now and see myself for what I truly was, my mind was even then in the same place that it is now. I thought I was every bit as fat and repulsive last summer as I do this summer, except I WASN'T. But look at what I did with all of those negative thoughts! I turned them in on myself as I always do and blanketed them with food and as a result I am thirty pounds heavier than I was last year! THIRTY POUNDS!!!! So after realizing all of that, what was the next thought that naturally progressed? WHAT THE F@$# AM I GOING TO LOOK LIKE NEXT SUMMER IF I DON'T CHANGE??? Something has to give here, and I am tired of it being the hems of my jeans!!
Anyway, I haven't really gotten much farther than that. I'm still very discouraged, and my knee is only just now starting to heal so I can't run yet. And when I can, I will not even be able to run the short crappy distances that I was running before I got hurt. That's going to be very defeating, and I'm not sure if I have faith enough in myself to pull through. But the desire to run is still there, hasn't diminished a bit, and just won't shut up and leave me alone. I read somewhere that running was only a little bit physical, and mostly mental. That, I am discovering, is more true than I could have ever thought. I know that my body will be able to do it eventually if my mind will only let me. But I did walk yesterday, and I will walk tomorrow. I don't know much beyond that right now, but that at least I do know.
I know I've rambled, and sounded more than pathetic. And this is supposed to be a running blog, and I haven't ran a step since I started it! I wonder if anyone will ever even read any of this. I wish there was someone out there who really understood what this is like for me. I have wonderful support, and I'm grateful for it, but there isn't anyone I know who can really identify what I'm going through maybe I'm hoping that somebody out there will...even if its 10 years from now and you stumble across this blog by accident.
The only reason, other than release, that I am documenting my failures like this is because I really do hope that I overcome these mental barriers one day and go on to become a successful runner and get my old body back. Maybe if that happens, I can look back on this and smile. However, right now there just isn't much to smile about.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Blizzards, Knees, and Self Pity

OK, so how ironic is it that as soon as I start a running blog, I sustain a knee injury serious enough to keep me from running? Personally, I see the hilarity in it. However, my attitude over the past couple of days has generally NOT been humorous in the least. I feel like a total moron. I should have kept to my walk/run sequences and this never would have happened. I decided to try to compete with people other than myself and I pushed myself too far. I wanted to sail through the beginner stage and really become a "runner" without putting in the hard work necessary to do so. And now I'm sitting at home having a banana cream pie blizzard from Dairy Queen for dinner and feeling sorry for myself because I can't run. And thinking to myself that since I can't run, all bets are off on my diet as well. That is so ME...I am so ALL or NOTHING and it destroys everything I try to do!! The defeatist thoughts are coming in waves and I feel powerless to stop them. And to top it off, my stomach is killing me now because I've been eating crap for three days and I just had ice cream for dinner because I'm a moron!!!
I really chewed over this post for a long time before I started to type it out, because I wanted to present myself and my attitude in a more positive light. The caged little bird bravely singing her song and persevering through her trials or what not, but that's not honest. That isn't where I am right now. I am in a bad, self-pitying place and I'm using it for an excuse to slack off in other areas besides running. I am in pretty serious pain with my knee, as well, which isn't good for overall morale. If I can't do anything else, at least I can be honest with myself and anyone who reads this. JENNIFER ISN'T DOING SO HOT RIGHT NOW.
So. Deep Breath. Game plan. Er...I'm not really sure right now. I'll give it some thought tonight, and get back with you guys in the morning. I know one thing though: I don't plan on being defeated. I am going to run that damn 5k, whatever it takes. So I'm going to lick my wounds (and my ice cream) tonight, and tomorrow life goes on!!!

Monday, May 17, 2010

And We're Off....

Starting Weight: 217

I am starting my blog on a Monday, supposedly the beginning of a new week. I really need a new beginning right now, because already I am starting to lose motivation for this journey. And this is my first post!! You see, I have been trying to lose weight for about 5weeks now. For the first three weeks, walking and a little bit of Wii-fit yoga were my exercise methods of choice. I was super motivated, and I felt like I was on top of the world. I was following the dietary guidelines of YOU: On a Diet, which are the most reasonable ones that I have ever read-and, believe me, I've read my share of diet books. About two weeks ago, I accidentally happened upon running. That's actually a whole other story for another post. Anyway, I figured that running could do two things for me: 1. Help me to burn a lot more calories and lose weight faster than just walking and 2. Give me another goal to focus on while trying to lose weight so that I didn't obsess. So I decided to really give running a go. I researched the subject on several running websites, bought a (great) running book, and got a pair of really good running shoes. I followed the advice in the book, and started a walk/run program. The first sequence was walk 6 minutes/run 1 minute. My husband even decided to run with me! We breezed through the first week, and went on to week 2's sequence of walk 4 minutes/run 2 minutes. That was a little bit more challenging, but I was determined. Somewhere along the way, I began to fall in love with running. I don't know why! I certainly can't do it for very long, and it taxes my body more than anything ever has, but there is something there that makes me want to push harder, and run farther, and do it again the next day! Unfortunately, my knees and ankles don't agree with me. On Friday, I decided to forgo the normal routine and just see how long I could run. Well, it turns out that I can run for 7 minutes!! This is a great accomplishment for me. However, now there seems to be something wrong with my knees. They feel like they are stabbing each other when I walk. I can barely walk, and I definitely can't run and I feel very discouraged today. My eating habits have truly slipped over the past week, and I have gained weight two weeks in a row!! Just about every fiber of my being is telling me to give up right now. None of my work over the past month seems to have made any real difference, and I have gained back all of the weight that I lost! And then today while I was walking (hobbling) around the block, I realized that this is the point that I always give up. When the honeymoon phase of being healthy wears off and the day-to-day grunt work of weight loss kicks in. The difference this time is that now I have a new love, something that would really break my heart to give up on. I want to be able to run for 30 minutes straight, and I want to finish a 5k. Hopefully these goals will keep me going when nothing else will. I really am sick of disappointing myself.