Thursday, December 30, 2010

Auld Lang Syne

There once was a sad girl named Jenny
Of self-loathing, she surely had plenty!
But one day she went for a run,
Discovered it sure was fun!
Now who can stop her? Not ANY!

LOL. Can you people believe that I've actually been published before?

2010 was, I think, the most important year of my life thus far. It was pretty much a do or die year for me. I won't say a lot about 2009, it would just bore you, but suffice it to say that I had a complete and total mental breakdown, was hospitalized for self-injurious behaviors, and lost my job (of five years) in the process. I also began smoking again after a 3 year hiatus AND I put on 40 pounds along the way. NOT fun.

I took the first step out of the dark hole last fall. I enrolled in school to be a Rad Tech. I didn't start classes until winter of this year, but it was a glimmer of light to look forward to, and I was determined that school would be one thing I didn't totally ruin. So I started classes in January, and I worked hard, and pulled off straight A's for the quarter! That little spark of self-confidence inspired me to try to do something about my weight. Looking back, I really can't believe I had the courage to begin at all.

First, I put the cigarettes down and started walking. Read YOU: On a Diet and decided to follow along with the diet plan. I was struggling, though. Man, those cigarettes were sooo tempting!! I was very discouraged about the whole smoking thing, because I had already started back after quitting for 3 years. What was the point? But I held on, for the hubby and kids' sake, I didn't want to hurt them anymore and they HATED the smoking.  But, boy oh boy, was it hard. I was obsessed with cravings. I was about to give up, as was my pattern. I totally expected this.

And then. And then and then and then!!

I found running. Even now, its hard to pinpoint what I found so attractive about running. I've never been an athlete, and I'd always considered running to be a punishment. But all of a sudden, there was something different there. I knew that I  had been altered, but I didn't know how completely yet.

I guess what makes running so appealing in the beginning is that there are so many ways to improve that you'd be hard pressed NOT to feel better about yourself. So many reasons to celebrate--the first 5 minutes straight, the first half-mile, the first MILE (amazing), the first 30 minutes straight, first race, I could just go on and on. There is always a new record to break and a new way to measure improvement.

But that isn't why I kept running.  I run because it shows me what I am made of as a human being. There is something so honest about running. There is no way to fake it-you just have to DO it.  The highs are euphoric and the lows are worse than you can imagine, but in between both extremes, there is just putting one foot in front of the other. Sometimes I think I can't go any further, but I can always take another step.

I learn a lot about myself during the good runs. The sense of accomplishment that they produce is wonderful--and totally necessary to keep going. But I learn more about myself during the bad runs. These are the runs that teach me that I have to keep going despite the way I feel. On these runs, the negative thoughts just flood my brain and there is NOTHING to do but run them out. The bad runs are the ones that break me down, and tear away all of my preconceived notions about what things SHOULD be like as opposed to the reality of what they are. Then, like a muscle, I build myself back even stronger.  If you're a runner, then you understand.

I sit before you today a different person than I was a year ago. A year ago, I was sad. I could say a lot of things about what I was, but I think that they all mean that I was sad. Today, I am NOT sad. I am filled with gratitude at the most amazing year of my life. I have the most amazing husband, children, friends, family!! They have all been so supportive and loving and they really helped make this year nearly perfect.

I want to thank all of you for reading my blog this year. I never thought that anyone would, to be honest!! I have loved getting to know lots of you, and am very grateful for the friendships I have formed online this year.

2010 is finished. I hope that everyone has a safe and happy New Year, and let's bring on 2011!! I'm going to run a marathon, what are you going to do?

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

The Bitching Hour

I have nothing good to say today. There are times when I feel like I've come very far in the past year. This is not one of those times. This is a day for staying in my pajamas all day, feeling sorry for myself, and complaining.
I am TIRED of fighing against the current here! For the past week, all I have wanted to do is crumple into a ball and sleep. I have NO motivation to exercise, to eat well, or to get out of bed. My children and I are both on Christmas break from school. Therefore, there is nothing making me get up in the morning. My day has no focus...they are all blending together and moving by in a blur. I hate myself for being so weak that something like a simple change in routine can derail me so completely..I feel like yesterday's blog post was FAKE. I have become so used to being positive that its difficult to acknowledge when I don't feel that way. I don't know if I've ever mentioned this...I don't remember...but I suffer from chronic depression. It comes in spells...the vast majority of the time, I am completely normal, but when it hits, it hits hard. 2009 was one of the worst years of my life, and I have spent most of 2010 recovering from it! I'm not saying that its happening again...I know that it isn't...but it still frustrates me how quickly I go back to old patterns!! When I don't have the motivation to exercise (or even get DRESSED), it makes me sick to my STOMACH!! So it doesn't matter how far I've come, how well I've learned to take care of myself, mentally and physically?? Everything can just go to shit because of something completely normal like CHRISTMAS VACATION??? This is ridiculous.
And I know how it must sound!! I have nothing to bitch about...I love my life, I love my family, I love love love love LOVE!!! But I don't love this weakness...I don't love not being able to bitch slap this drudgery in the face. And I know that without the proper exercise and nutrition, my body feels bad. When my body feels bad, my mind automatically follows, and thus begins the vicious cycle which takes months and months to get out of, and only a couple of days to slip into again. Its disgusting, I'm disgusting, my family and friends deserve better.

Monday, December 27, 2010

Holiday Damage

....wasn't TOO horrible. I weighed in this morning at 202.2, which is a .6 gain from last week. I'll take it, especially as I chose to pig out partake in all of the yummy holiday foods this weekend!

 I'm learning more and more about myself and food, now that I'm paying attention. For instance, when there is a lot of rich food in the house my instinct is to eat it all as quickly as possible-that way it won't be there to tempt me later! I admit, I "got rid" of a lot of lasagna and cake this way. Do any of you have this tendency? Really, its insanity...but I have to admit that I do feel better now that all of the food is gone.

Got a few good runs in last week...and also got some thermal undies so that I can run more comfortably in this weather ;). I hope it works!!

Anyway, this is a short post. I'm still tired out from (a wonderful) Christmas. Got some Bondibands that I can't wait to use, though!! And Santa also brought me some roller blades that I plan on using for cross training. I used to LOVE roller blading, so I'm really excited about this. The more movement, the better! Right? Right!

Oh yeah...I didn't reach my goal to be under 200 by Christmas, obviously. Next goal is to be under 200 by January 1st!! I would LOVE to start out 2011 in the 100's...and never ever go back!!

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Merry Christmas

Here's hoping that Santa made it safely to all of your homes!! I wish all of you a holiday filled with joy, family, and yummy food!! And cuddly little kitty cats!! (My own preference)

Oh, and I really want to thank all of you for reading and sticking with me throughout this year. Your support and kind words of encouragement have meant EVERYTHING to me. Merry, Merry, Merry Christmas!!!

Thursday, December 23, 2010

The Battle of the Playground Equipment

Sometimes I feel like I'm split in half, and both parts of me are playing on a seesaw, and one of them won't cooperate. Weird analogy, right? Whatever, I've got nothing better today. Point is, balance is just something that doesn't come naturally for me! Which is strange, because I'm a Libra, you know. Scales and what not--I am a poor example of a Libra! They should kick me out.
Anyway, if I had to sum up the lessons I've learned in 2010 (which I will do in a later post), I think the word that I would keep coming back to is balance.  This year I have seen the worst and the best of myself trying to battle it out to see who can claim their territory.  I'm starting to realize that they're just going to have to live with each other, because neither one is going to give up. Balance...a work in progress.
Last week, I felt myself slipping back into some old habits and I made the decision to go ahead and try to stop the downward spiral. So far this week, I've done pretty well.
I've run twice! Both runs were only a little over 2 miles, but I was very pleased with them for several reasons. First, I ran them without taking more than two short walk breaks. Which means that I haven't lost as much fitness as I told myself I had--more subconscious excuses so that I don't have to try so hard, I guess. Second, I ran them at my easy pace, which used to be 13-14 minutes a mile BUT is now about 11.5. The only thing I can figure is that I'm getting a little bit faster now that some weight is starting to come off.  YAY!! Third, I felt strong and capable and I enjoyed myself.  I think I'm finally ready to start training for something again. Don't know what isn't marathon time. But I know it isn't going to be C25k--I don't need it, I can still run. I think deep down I knew that before but I was just trying to find a way to make things easier on myself without feeling guilty about it.
I also feel like I've come a long way with my relationship to food! Yesterday I craved a doughnut for breakfast. The hubby (very generously) went to our local doughnut shop and bought a dozen of my favorite kind. When he got home, I had ONE. And it was enough. I was very surprised about that--sorta scared that I would eat six or seven (like normal)...but one was really enough. I gave the rest away, had a green smoothie, went for a run that afternoon, and burned it off. Things like this have been happening a lot lately. I don't deprive myself of anything that I want, I don't have the ability to. I'm too much of a hedonist at heart. But I'm still meeting all of my nutritional needs and staying under my calorie goal. It's almost like...I can enjoy food without binging on it. What a concept!
So...I guess I'm doing better at balance. Maybe Bad Jenny and Good Jenny are finally learning to play together nicely on the seesaw?? I know Bad Jenny though...that bitch is going to wait until Good Jenny isn't looking and she's going to bump her side as hard as she can and hope that Good Jenny sails through the air and lands far, far away. Good Jenny is going to be practicing constant vigilance in the meantime.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Pleasant Surprises

OK, first and foremost--I lost 2 pounds this week!! I don't get it, I don't know how it happened, and I certainly didn't deserve that number, but there it is! I weighed myself 3 times to make sure. I'm now at 201.6...and less than 2 pounds away from being out of the 200's! I'm not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, so I'm going to commit extra hard this week with both nutrition and exercise. In fact, I've already done a little strength training routine today and I'm definitely going for a run this afternoon.

Second--and this was an awesome surprise--I was tagged in Jeff's blog to answer 5 running questions.  This actually came at a great time for me, because I really needed to sit down and remember why running is important to me and why its worth fighting for. I've let myself cop out too much lately, and that's over.
Jeff (Detroit Runner) is new to blogging but he is already attracting a large following  and his blog is just cool. From what I can tell, he is an AMAZING runner and too damn modest about it. Everyone should check him out. Anyway, here are the questions:

1. What are you most fond of accomplishing in 2010?
This one is easy. My half-marathon in October. It was the first thing that I ever finished, and also the most fun experience of my life. I also never thought that I would be able to do it, so pushing my boundaries like that really changed my life permanently I think. Plus I finished 10 minutes under my goal, and I ran the entire thing, albeit slowly.

2. What is your favorite race?
I only did two races this year. The Run for the Roost 5k in September, and the 3rd Annual Augusta Half-Marathon in October. Obviously, the half was my favorite race. It took place in the town that I grew up in, and I got to run through familiar streets, which put a nice air of nostalgia into the whole mix. My childhood best friend was there as well, along with my parents and my husband and some dear family friends. It all added up to be a perfect day.

3.What are your running goals for 2011?
I'm glad this question is in there. I've given it a lot of thought, and I've decided to stick with my original goal of doing the Rock n Roll Savannah Marathon in November. I think I can be careful to not let it interfere with my weight loss, and I'm going to follow through with this because it is important to me. I would also like to be able to run a 5k in under 35 minutes...I hate speed training,but I'm hoping that I will naturally get faster as my weight drops.

4. What is your favorite holiday guilty pleasure?
Hmm. I would have to say Pannettone. It is an Italian sweet bread, sort of like a fruit cake, only GOOD. It makes for awesome French toast, and my parents get me at least one loaf every year. As I type, it is sitting in my kitchen mocking me, and I know I'm going to break down and eat it soon.

5. What was your most embarrassing running moment?
I don't really have any embarrassing stories to tell, if you decide not to count the fact that people probably see how slow I'm going and then laugh at me. I will say this, though--all the expert advice tells you to not run a race in any gear that you have not previously tried and they are RIGHT! I ran in a pair of new capris during my half, and it wasn't until the race started that I realized they were too big!! They kept slipping down, and I kept having to pull them up for the first couple of miles. After that, they were ok...I still don't know why they stopped falling off, unless God decided to have mercy on me? At any rate, I was thankful!

Here are the people I'm tagging because I think they are awesome and I love reading their blogs:
1. Kim at Bookworm Runs
2. Crystal at Am I a Runner or Just Crazy
3. Suzy at Happy with 13.1
4. Meredith at Run is the New Walk
5. Andrea at Mama on the Run

I hope everyone has a great week! I plan to be back very soon reporting on all of my running adventures-remember, its accountability that wins the fight!!

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Standing Up to Me

OK, I just had  a sorta mental breakthrough, I think!!

I haven't worked very hard this week. I don't know what's been up with me and running lately, but I just haven't been getting out there to do it. It's having such a chain effect on me, and I didn't fully realize that until this morning.

My eating has been slipping a little bit every day, too. Not that I've gone over my calories--until yesterday, I was staying within them just fine. But I was getting closer and closer to the threshold...and then yesterday afternoon- BAM! My husband brought home some danish butter cookies and a loaf of french bread shaped like a candy cane from work. It was his company's Christmas gift to the employees.  I was doing fine with my calories until then-better than fine actually-but I was hungry. I got up to get some baby carrots and I wound up cutting a huge piece of bread and buttering it and eating that instead!! It was sooooooo good...but it didn't fill me up, so I had another one. Then after that, I was ravenous, and I descended upon the butter cookies!! Oh My was bliss!!

It was at this point I decided not to write these calories down because I didn't want to know what they were. I made the conscious decision to keep eating and hide. My husband made steak for dinner...I totally didn't mean to eat the whole thing but I did. The "screw it" mentality had totally taken over.  More cookies after dinner....why not, right? The damage was already done.

I woke up this morning feeling very guilty about yesterday. I also felt like a cad for only exercising once this week. And not to mention---TERRIFIED about my weigh in tomorrow! I feel like I can't face what the scale says. I just won't be able to take it if I step on tomorrow and find out that I have undone some or all of my hard work. Then what? Then what has all of this been for??

It's almost enough to send a girl running for her covers!!

And that was when it hit me!! This has so little to do with the food that I've eaten. This is about ACCOUNTABILITY.   I was adopting my old mentality of ignoring things and hoping they would go away. I didn't want to write my calories down so I didn't have to face what I had eaten. I've been telling myself every day that I'm going to get out the door for a run, and every day I just wind up "forgetting" about it until its too late to go. This is WHY I gained all the weight in the first place. Once I stop paying attention to what I'm doing, all bets are off.

I don't know why that is, but really, how hard is it to log in what I eat? It takes about 10 seconds. How hard is it to go for a run? I love to run--at least, I used to. I miss the high, I miss the feeling of accomplishment. Why am I letting it all slip away from me? Is it just in my nature to become complacent and let nothing but my need for pleasure take over and make me lose perspective over everything that is important to me? Is it possible to write a sentence that is longer than the one I just wrote?? Probably, knowing me!!Lol. Anyway!!

I don't know why I have slipped this week, but I'm not slipping anymore. I'm taking my power back NOW before this gets out of hand. There will be time for self introspection later, now is the time for action!! I'm off to go log in my calories and do some exercise. Maybe I can still salvage this week, maybe not. But if I have to fight me for me, that's what I will do.

And tomorrow...I'm facing that scale. I am going to own whatever it says. It may not be pretty, but knowing is half the battle!!

And I'm going into battle....

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Wii Fit Fun!! (Eyeroll)

I've really been trying to find some new alternatives for exercise lately and unfortunately my Pussycat Dolls workout DVD has suffered a terminal scratch and will now be laid to rest. :(
So I decided to do the Wii Fit for a little while today! I used to do it all the time before I started running and I thought it offered a really good workout. I started off with the Wii Fit Island Run. I've only done this twice before because it just wore me out too badly. I did it and I didn't even break a sweat and it only offered about ten darn minutes of exercise. The funny thing about it was that the two previous times I did it, my burn rate results were 35% and 48%. I remember thinking "What in the world do you have to do to get a good score on this?" Well, today my burn rate was 115%!!! That made me laugh. I guess these past few months have made at least a slight difference in my fitness levels, eh?
Aside from the amusment factor, I wasn't too thrilled with Wii Fit this time around. It was boring and I burned only like 98 calories and none of the exercises made me feel like I was accomplishing anything! So I gave up and just went for a brisk walk outside. I could've run, but I took the hubby along for entertainment value.
Wii Fit isn't exercise!! I can't believe I used to think it was!

Here is a video making fun of it like it deserves:

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Would It Be Insane.....????

Ok, I can barely write this down because it sounds so dumb to me but I really don't know if it IS. I was just thinking this morning about exercise and my running and how my running isn't where I want it to be right now...and then this idea just popped into my head.

What if I did the Couch to 5k program?

Yes, I did just run a half marathon. I realize that. But it was almost two months ago and I haven't run further than 4 miles since. And that was only once. Realistically, I think I've lost a lot of my fitness. I have to take more and more walk breaks, my breathing is just out of control all the time. I don't know if the cold weather may have something to do with that??

This is why doing C25k appeals to me right now:
  • It would be like following a training program, which would definitely get me out of the house and burning calories!
  • BUT it wouldn't be too much pressure, either. It would be something that I know I could do and wouldn't be ultra time consuming.
  • There's a 5k in April that I want to run, and I think a good goal would be to run the entire thing.
  • Maybe it would make me a faster runner? (Not that that matters to me at all, of course it doesn't.)
  • It would be a structured way for me to focus on losing all the walk breaks without feeling like I failed everytime I start to walk.
And this is why it doesn't appeal to me:

  • It feels like a huge backward step.
  • My ego doesn't want to admit that I may need it.
So, anyway, I don't know. I could download the podcasts and just get out there, eh? Or perhaps I should just "shut up and run". that blog...

Anyone have an opinion on the topic??

Monday, December 13, 2010

Monday Weigh In

Okay, here are today's results. I'm down 1.2 pounds this week for a total of 11.4 pounds. I'm happy with this.  Last week it was t.o.m. plus nothing but stress anyway so I'm surprised that I'm down anything. I only got out to exercise twice because of the weather. I really need to bump up the exercise...I'm going to start trying to find some things I can do indoors in addition to my running so I can increase my calorie burn. :0)

Like I said in a previous post, though, I did really well with my food...I feel like food and I are starting to come to an understanding with each other. I won't eat every meal like its my last, and the food will still be there for me the next time I'm hungry. ;)

And thanks for all your kind words last week. Things are looking up, and I am DETERMINED to have a much better week this week!! And I doubt that will present much of a challenge!

Okay, I'm off to do a Pussycat Dolls Workout DVD! Don't hate!!

Saturday, December 11, 2010

On Running--A Rant

This post has been building up inside of me for a while now, and I haven't written it yet because I just haven't been sure where to start or just exactly what my bottom line was. But I'm just going to type until I feel better, so bare with me.

Like millions of other people across America, I watched The Biggest Loser on Tuesday night. It was the marathon episode. I've been an on and off watcher of the Biggest Loser for the past few seasons, but I've never really paid attention to the marathon episodes before. Needless to say, I was really looking forward to watching it this time around (now that I'm an expert on the subject and all. Ha.)  I was really surprised by a few things. First, they only gave the contestants 30 days to train for the marathon. What?? OK, whatever, I guess they were just in fantastic shape. Second, Ada was the only one who really trained for the damn thing. She had an awesome time, too, much better than I could pull off if I were to try to run one anytime soon. Elizabeth made a comment that she had only run 8 miles before the marathon. Again, WHAT? That's just stupid! And her time reflected it, too...7.5 hours to complete! Even I could do better than that, probably today. But Elizabeth sucks anyway and I sure do hope that none of you vote for her! Third, Ada lost the least amount of weight. Even Sucky Elizabeth lost more weight than she did!! Way unfair.

I've read a few blogs and message boards rehashing the whole Biggest Loser Marathon subject over the last few days. Some people brought up some great points, other people just made me angry. One blogger pointed out something that had a pretty heavy impact on me:  Marathon Training Does Not Equal Weight Loss.  I should have the word DUH tattooed on my forehead for being blown away by this little statement.  I mean, like I said in an earlier post, I've basically proven that to myself already while training for my half.  Now that the weight is finally coming off of me, I have to admit that I am only running a fraction of the distance that I was when I was training.  I'm losing weight because I have cut my calorie consumption drastically, something that (especially during my last 6 weeks or so of training) would not have been the wisest thing for me to do while training.  Granted, I totally admit that I could have made major improvements with my diet, but even under the best of circumstances I don't think I would have lost much weight. In fact, as I seem to be reading over and over and over again, most people who train for marathons actually GAIN WEIGHT during training.  Its really not a surprise when you think of all the muscle you put on (I know I did) and all the calories you have to consume to help your body recover.

So where does this leave me now, I'm wondering?? There's no way that I'm going to be down to my goal weight by the time I would need to start training for the RnR marathon in November. I still have 74 pounds left to go! Do I put the weight loss aside while training or do I try to do both or do I just weight until I reach goal weight before I try to take on a marathon?? I don't know, and I guess I don't have to decide right now, but it bothers me not to have a plan set in motion either way. I do know that I totally lost sight of the weight loss aspect until I ran my half. I got consumed with running (no regrets) and forgot my original goal for awhile. I don't know if I should do that again.

And so that gets me thinking why do I even want to run a stupid marathon in the first place? I've seen a lot of blogs and online posts lately from "real runners" who I seem to have nothing in common with. First of all, these people dedicate their lives to running and making a PR. Good for them. Second, they all have really expensive equipment that I can't even fathom spending the money on. Fine. Third, a lot of them seem to have a really bad attitude towards people like me!! Fake runners, I suppose. I've seen a lot of people advocating 5 hour time limits for marathons saying that slow runners clog up the streets and cost the city too much money and dumb down the greatness of the marathon! WHAT?? Back to that in a minute, but first I will repeat my original question.

Why do I want to run a marathon?  Well, I'm really not sure. Mostly because I want to accomplish something great and I know that I'm not going to do it with a 5k PR. I'm not a fast runner. I don't enjoy running fast and I'm not good at it. But I've proven to myself that I can go the distance. I know now that I have the ability to set a goal, train for it, and accomplish it...beating back my own personal demons along the way who only want me to fail. Crossing the finish line--hell, crossing the STARTING line-- at my half marathon was a great feeling. One that I want again. Only now I know that I can do a half. The thought of doing another one to improve my time does not interest me as much as the thought of pushing myself to go twice as far. Testing my next distance boundary and conquering it.  I like the feeling of accomplishing something that I once thought impossible. really hurts my feelings to think that some runners would look down on me and my little accomplishments. Some runners would rather that I not be able to participate in the marathon at all because I wouldn't finish within 5 hours and would therefore be somehow dragging down their own accomplishments. Some runners would advise me to stick with distances "more appropriate for me" like a half or a 10k. Apparently the marathon is some sort of holy grail that only the elite should be able to tackle. Apparently letting in the slow runners is simply a way for the city to make more money and it doesn't show "respect for the distance." Apparently running a marathon is just becoming "trendy" making everyone want to do it!!

Okay, so here is what I have to say to these people. Screw you.  SCREW YOU SCREW YOU SCREW YOU. If you think that I will drag your race down if I run a 6 hour marathon, then you might need to work on your own self esteem instead of trying to crush mine. If you think slow runners aren't trying every bit as hard for their 11 minute miles as you are for your 7 minute ones then you are an ignoramus and I feel sorry for you. Speed does not equal effort, you ASS. I ran a 2:50 half marathon so I guess I'm just a joke because a "real runner" should be able to make it in under 2 hours. Well, maybe my 2:50 had something to do with a fact that I'm a 28 year old obese woman who had absolutely no fitness base whatsoever before I started running 6 months prior to the race. I busted my ASS training for that race and I think that my time was pretty amazing!!! And if you can't stand it that I have the same medal hanging on my wall as you do for your finish in 1:45, then I am so sorry for you. And if when I do decide to run a marathon, I am not going to shed one little tear over the fact that you don't think I deserve to be there because I'm not fast enough.  I am going to complete something wonderful and amazing and stick my tongue out at your back as I choke on your dust while you pass me. With a smile on my face. NAH NAH NAH NAH BOO BOO.

With all that being said, I realize that by far and wide, the running community is super supportive. I've never been ridiculed or made to feel like anything less than a hero at either race I've done, despite my slow time.  I've just read some things on some message boards lately that have really affected me, and its my blog so I get to rant when I want to!

If you're still with me, thanks for reading. I still don't know what I'm going to do about the marathon. I guess time will tell--it's still almost a year away. My instinct right now is that I have to make weight loss my number one priority but I don't want to give up my marathon.

I guess I'm just going to have to strive toward balance...whatever that is.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Emotional Eating...or not

This is a hard week for me.  Some things have happened in my personal life that have really just thrown me for a loop and punched me in the stomach.  On top of that, its TOM (which usually isn't regular at all but this month arrived right on time for some reason) which is making me extra sad and weepy. So I've actually spent the last few days crying and moping and going to bed at 8 o clock just to escape the day...NOT very pleasant, if you were wondering!!

But the purpose of this post isn't to make you feel sorry for me. (Although if you want to, please feel free). It is to tell you about the one positive thing that I've picked up on this week.


Really. If this were to have happened to me 3 months ago, I'd be through two full chocolate cakes and a whole bucket of fried chicken by now. Not to mention all the mac and cheese and potato salad....okay, I'm getting off track here. Point is, that's not happening. In fact, food hasn't even OCCURRED to me until this morning when I woke up and realized that I am not comfort - eating. This is a pretty major accomplishment for me, and one that I can take pride in right now.

And the weird thing...I think that, because I'm not filling up this hole inside of me with pounds and pounds of food, I am allowing myself to feel what I need to feel in order to get through this. There is really nowhere to hide and I'm just dealing with things the best I can. It hurts, oh it hurts bad, but I know that I NEED to cry these tears right now and that when I am able to put things behind me, they will really be behind me because these emotions will have been dealt with.

So there is the silver lining in my life's humongous cloud right is a very pretty and picturesque lining, and I will enjoy admiring it until the cloud dissipates.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Finally!! (Monday Weigh In and a Little Announcement)

I am happy to report that I am down 2.8 this week, which makes my weight 204.8. I have FINALLY passed the 10 lb threshold! I began trying to lose weight in April of this year. I started running. I hurt my knee. I healed and kept running. I trained for a half marathon. I RAN a half marathon. How did all that affect my weight? Nothing, zip, zero, zilch, NADA!! I sort of feel like I have scientifically proven to the universe that exercise doesn't make you lose weight. But anyway!!

I haven't given up the running, by the way. I don't really track my running on Daily Mile anymore because I'm trying to log it into My Fitness Pal and its a totally different system there. MFP only counts your miles per hour, not your pace per minute. Actually, most of my runs are still too slow for me to even log them into MFP as runs!! Lol. It usually qualifies as brisk walking...but whatever. I am still running, is the point.

I was supposed to do a 5k this Saturday, but decided not to. It was a bridge run, and I just flat out didn't feel like doing all that hill training to get ready for it. Ever since the half, I'm really enjoying just running for myself. No pressure, no specific distance, just me and my legs and my breath. I feel like I'm being reminded of why I fell in love with running in the first place. I'm gonna continue to just run for me for awhile. BUT that doesn't mean that I'm going to slack off on my running goals, oh no. Just the opposite in fact.

So here is my official announcement that I am going to be running the Rock 'n' Roll Savannah MARATHON on November 5, 2011.

 Yes, I said marathon. 26.2...the whole way. Yes, its almost a whole year from now, but what do ya want from me?? I just started running a few months ago!! Its going to take me a long time to train for this one. Anyway, I figured I would go ahead and tell you guys now. Once I say something on The Blog, I just have an awful time taking it back. I think I blogged (not trained) my way into running the half.

I hope everyone has a great week!! Oh, and I'm going to try to be under 200 by Christmas!!!