Tuesday, September 14, 2010
So I Finally Broke Down and Read The Secret...
Holy awesome book, Batman!!! I've had a lot of people recommend this book to me over the past few months, but I always resisted because I thought it was silly. I mean, come on, you can do anything just by thinking about it first?
But my outlook on life has been pretty bleak for the last couple of years, and it wasn't until I started running that I really became aware of how negative I had become. I touched on this in a previous post, but...I was always the first person to insult me. And now I realize that is because I was SO FREAKING AFRAID of anybody criticizing anything about me! Every time I walked into a room of people, I was convinced that not only did I not belong there, but that everyone else KNEW I didn't belong there as well and were wondering to themselves why I showed up. I honestly felt like I should apologize to the world for my existence. But I never KNEW that I was thinking any of these things.
When I started running, these issues came to the surface with a quickness. I think starting this blog helped me as well, because from the get go I knew that I was going to be completely honest with myself and everyone else here. Of course, in the beginning, I only thought that meant being able to complain to my heart's desire.... So I did, and I had my little accomplishments and then I would be proud and write about them...but then something bad would happen and I would throw myself back into a fit of despair and I would write about that,too...and so on and so on. Eventually going between such extreme highs and lows gets exhausting though, and reading back on a lot of my older entries here really made me think. A lot of my new online running friends also began pointing out to me what an overall negative attitude I was exhibiting. And I was mortified that to think that I had become that "feed the piggy" type of person..."Please let me continue telling you how awful I am at everything I do so that you can tell me how awesome I am instead." I never WANTED to be like that, but I was headed there quickly.
I knew it was not only time for an attitude makeover, but a good look inside of Jennifer to see what makes her act that way in the first place. It was all of my negative mantras, of course. "You're ugly" "You're fat" "You're not a runner, you're too slow" "People don't like you" etc etc etc! So I made a conscious decision to turn that around and to start loving me and being kinder to me. And then do you know what happened???
I picked up The Secret at Wal-Mart the other day, completely on an impulse. As soon as I got home and began reading it, things just started going Click click click in my head! Of course I've been attracting negative things to me because just look at all the negative vibrations I've been putting out there! Of course I have become what I never wanted to be, because that was all that I was concentrating on!! HELLO, HAS ANYONE BEEN HOME IN THERE THE PAST TWENTY SEVEN YEARS???
I also find it hilarious that I just happened to pick up that book after I had already resolved to change my thought patterns and "get on a different frequency"....Gotta love the Law of Attraction at work!! So now my mantras have changed. And I'm letting go of all the bad things in the past. And I know now that I will reach my goal weight...and I will finish this half marathon in under 3 hours. I know it because I finally believe it.
And I am so happy and grateful that I have the rest of my life in which to love myself.