I'm back!

Hi. I don't know what my problem has been with blogging lately! I start to, and then decide not to. In reading some blogs lately, I've just noticed kind of a trend of calling people out. I don't agree or disagree with that, but it really has made me more hesitant to post anything on this blog that could...I don't know...make people roll their eyes at me? If that makes any sense? I just don't want to be one of those people who have all of these grand plans and no follow through. I don't want to waste anyone's time.
It's no secret that I've been struggling since Christmas. I was doing really well, had completed a half marathon and lost about 15 pounds and then I just...stopped. It didn't happen all at once, and I fought against myself every day to try to make the right decisions and stop making the wrong ones. I had less success as time went on, and then I went into a week long binge. That just sort of set the tone, and mentally I felt as if the past year hadn't even happened.
It is so easy, when you're losing weight, to look back and say, "How did I ever eat like that before? I was poisoning myself! I love the way my body feels now that I'm treating it right, and I'm never going back!" And then, when you do revert back to your old behaviors it is equally easy to look back and say, "How was I ever able to control myself with food? That seems so far away right now, even though it was only two weeks ago. I feel so helpless, and I just can't see out of this place." Whatever phase that I'm in, its just so easy for me to forget about how I felt BEFORE.
Feeling like a failure is natural to me. I would go so far as to say...comfortable. Feeling like a failure is comfortable for me. I use failing as a crutch so that I don't have to make the effort to make the effort, if that makes any sense. At heart, I'm a lazy person who just likes to be comfortable.  Hence, failure.
The thing with that, though, is that over the past 10 months enough change has happened within me that I just can't let myself STAY in that place. I keep going back to visit, but I can't bring myself to throw in the towel once and for all.
I've stayed away from the blog and have just done a lot of thinking. This process isn't linear. There is never going to be a moment when the path just lights itself up and from then on out, struggling is over. But that's what I always expect, over and over again. That there will be a lot of struggling in the beginning, but if I can just "get through it", things will get easier and easier until this new healthy lifestyle just comes naturally. Bull shit!!! I have good days and bad days. And now I see that the bad days are to be expected just as much as the good ones. The trick is to not let them derail me. Just because I have a day where all I crave is sugar and fat doesn't mean that the process isn't working. I'm not doing anything wrong. And it doesn't mean that I have to give in. And I will continue to blog about it---good, bad, and ugly because blogging helps me, and I don't want to give it up. That's all part of the strange self sabotage that I am so good at!
With all this great thinking I have been doing has also come some action. I'm now on Day 5 of the 30 Day Shred and loving it so far. If nothing else, I can give all that I have for 20 minutes.  That much I can handle! I'm drinking my smoothies again daily, which is imperative for me. They really help me to regulate my food intake and control my sugar cravings. I bought another scale last week and weighed myself - 206.6. I'm not happy about it, because now I've gained back 5 full pounds I'd lost. BUT I'm on my way to losing it, and much more. I do believe this. After all, I have a cruise coming up. :)