Sunday, May 30, 2010

I'm So Mental

It's late at night and I'm not sure what I'm doing blogging at this hour, especially since I have nothing of significance to report. Especially to do with running--yeah, have NOT ran. In fact, I went on a walk yesterday for the first time in almost two weeks, and to my great dismay I could barely walk a mile without huffing, puffing, and pain in my knee. You see, I believe that I injured my knee to a greater extent than I first thought, and it's NOT healing at the rate that I hoped it would. I have had a lot of time over the past couple of weeks to think. I will admit that I didn't do as much thinking as I probably could have, because the things that I need to think about aren't pleasant. I am really at a bump in the road, and I need to get over myself and my head. At this point, I feel like an idiot for attempting to take up something so challenging as running. What was I thinking? I have never accomplished anything worthwhile in my entire life!
Also, I have been using my injury as a crutch. I cannot exercise, therefore, what is the point in eating a healthy diet? So I have been comforting myself with an overabundance of noodles and chocolate. (Not together) And every day that passes, it becomes a little bit more difficult for me to imagine myself in the role of an athlete, and my fat jeans get just a little bit tighter! I had almost resigned myself to putting running in the very tall pile of things I had never really given my all, and decided that I failed at. Hell, I still may. Who am I trying to kid?
The other night, my husband was going through some photos of last summer, and there were several of me. I think something hit me when I saw myself as I was a year ago, and it might be just the something that I need to pull myself out of this pitiful slump and try try again. The wheels in my head started to turn, and I realized that although I definitely looked better last summer than I do this summer (not fat at all and indeed almost NORMAL), I'm really not THAT far away from being there again. Oh, sure, I'm lots of weight away from my ideal body, but not from the one I had less than a year ago. Another thing I realized is that, although I can objectively look at the photographs now and see myself for what I truly was, my mind was even then in the same place that it is now. I thought I was every bit as fat and repulsive last summer as I do this summer, except I WASN'T. But look at what I did with all of those negative thoughts! I turned them in on myself as I always do and blanketed them with food and as a result I am thirty pounds heavier than I was last year! THIRTY POUNDS!!!! So after realizing all of that, what was the next thought that naturally progressed? WHAT THE F@$# AM I GOING TO LOOK LIKE NEXT SUMMER IF I DON'T CHANGE??? Something has to give here, and I am tired of it being the hems of my jeans!!
Anyway, I haven't really gotten much farther than that. I'm still very discouraged, and my knee is only just now starting to heal so I can't run yet. And when I can, I will not even be able to run the short crappy distances that I was running before I got hurt. That's going to be very defeating, and I'm not sure if I have faith enough in myself to pull through. But the desire to run is still there, hasn't diminished a bit, and just won't shut up and leave me alone. I read somewhere that running was only a little bit physical, and mostly mental. That, I am discovering, is more true than I could have ever thought. I know that my body will be able to do it eventually if my mind will only let me. But I did walk yesterday, and I will walk tomorrow. I don't know much beyond that right now, but that at least I do know.
I know I've rambled, and sounded more than pathetic. And this is supposed to be a running blog, and I haven't ran a step since I started it! I wonder if anyone will ever even read any of this. I wish there was someone out there who really understood what this is like for me. I have wonderful support, and I'm grateful for it, but there isn't anyone I know who can really identify what I'm going through maybe I'm hoping that somebody out there will...even if its 10 years from now and you stumble across this blog by accident.
The only reason, other than release, that I am documenting my failures like this is because I really do hope that I overcome these mental barriers one day and go on to become a successful runner and get my old body back. Maybe if that happens, I can look back on this and smile. However, right now there just isn't much to smile about.

1 comment:

  1. I haven't read through all of your posts yet, but can I just tell you how much the beginning of your journey resonates with me?
    Last summer I decided I was going to become a runner. My husband had just lost 60 lbs and completed his first half marathon and I wanted to come along on his journey so I bought a new running book, downloaded a running schedule, bought new shoes, charged up my ipod and took off.
    I did this for several weeks and I was really feeling good. Except I couldn't walk. My foot hurt so bad that some mornings I literally had to crawl from the bed to the potty.
    I ended up in physical therapy and it turns out that my muscles were so far out of shape that all of that running was putting way too much strain on my joints & tendons (also a common injury of the knee).
    I've since joined the gym and am focusing on strength training and will pick up my running routine when I've dropped a few pounds and my legs are stronger.
    I'm looking forward to reading the rest of your story!