Wednesday, July 14, 2010


I haven't been blogging much, but I have been running. Last week I totaled 7 1/2 miles. That doesn't sound like much, but I did manage a long run of 3 miles and I am very proud of that. I also did my strength training as scheduled, cursing and moaning the entire way. I do NOT enjoy strength training.

Weight loss isn't happening. I'm staying steady at 215 and I'm actually back UP 1 1/2 inches in my waist to 37 1/2. Normally, I would be very discouraged by this and curse myself every time I look in the mirror and proceed to drown in an entire chocolate cake. I engage in a lot of negative self-talk, and don't usually hesitate to inform me of what a piece of shit I am...and how all anybody can see when they look at my face is blubber...and how I should be ashamed to go out in public because nobody wants to look at somebody like me...and how I've been trying SO HARD but it just doesn't matter because I'm always going to be a fat loser. When I go out in public and see thin people, my first impulse is always to apologize to them for having to look at me!! Which is TOTALLY ridiculous, because if nothing else, I am doing them a favor by increasing their own self esteem.

However, I have not had any of these reactions to this lack of weight loss. To be perfectly honest, it hasn't affected me very much. I do have to hang my head a little bit and admit to myself that I need to start taking my nutrition more seriously...running will only take a person so far, especially at the distances that I am currently running.
But get this.
I went to a water park last week with my husband and children. I was not about to be the only person sitting on the sidelines and watching everyone else have fun just because I didn't want to wear a swimsuit in public. I thoroughly expected to have a pretty rotten day though...because this water park is in a college town--need I say more? Skinny, wretched, college girls in sexy bikinis--ugh. But whatever, I was prepared to suck it up and try to enjoy myself regardless. And I did!! I strutted my little ass all over that damn park, went on all the rides, and turned into a giant kid again. I saw people that were a lot bigger than me, but I also saw people a lot smaller than me that I wasn't even jealous of. Here's a newsflash that floored me: I have a better body than a lot of thin people!
Did you people know that a lot of skinny girls have drooping, unattractive body parts? They look great in clothes, but put em in a bathing suit and most of them are just as flabby as the rest of us! I must have forgotten.
Granted, I'm heavy and I will be the first one to admit it. But my skin is tight and supple, and I have great proportions, and there were not too many women that I would have traded places with that day!
Wait. Did I just compliment myself? Yeah, I think I did. What's going on here?

I've thought about this a lot, and I have to conclude that it all comes down to respect. My body has consistently amazed me over the past three months. I went from gasping for breath after 60 seconds of running to being able to run for 3 miles continuously. My body runs in the heat or in the pouring rain, it doesn't matter. It also rallies nobly while I put it through push ups, planks, and lunges. It hiked for 5 continuous hours this Sunday when my family visited Cumberland Island. I just can't hate my body the way I used to because it has earned my respect.

This isn't the kind of progress that I imagined making. I thought I was going to begin running and POOF! The pounds and inches would melt away and the birds would sing and the orchestra would play and I would never have another problem in my life again! Er..well that didn't happen.

But this is the kind of progress that is life changing, I'm thinking. If I never lose another pound, I'm okay with that. Forget about running a half marathon--holding my head high and truly respecting myself for once in my life-now THAT'S something I never thought I would achieve!!


  1. You, my dear, are an inspiration. I loved everything you had to say about body image and respecting what our bodies do for us. Thank you for reminding me that it's time to have fun and enjoy ourselves and be proud of our accomplishments.

  2. speak volumes and what a refreshing honesty you use! It's hard enough to attempt to accept ourselves as we are. It's even harder, I think, to ADMIT that we HAVE to attempt to accept ourselves. Love your blog, love your honesty, love your humor, love your encouragement, and love you! Proud to follow your blog, and cheer you on! I've just completed week 1 myself, so looking for more inspiration. I just found it. Thank you sooooo much!!!

  3. Oh yeah...I have a blog as well...would love to have you follow me on my journey...maybe throw a few pointers my way! Thanks!!! Connie

  4. That connection came for me about a month or two ago. I've been slogging through this exercise journey since the beginning of the year, and am continually amazed by the leaps and bounds I have grown in my fitness. When your focus becomes more "health-centered" and "fitness-centered" and less about the number on the scale, the weight loss will follow. I'm down 25 pounds and under 200 pounds for the first time in a LONG time. It'll come :o)

  5. Jen, You continue to amaze me! This blog reminded me of something a trainer once told me. Its not enough to be skinny, there are plenty of skinny people who are just as fat as you, its about being healthy. So do you want to be skinny fat or a healthy you? You my dear are on the way to being a healthy you! Mind and body, and that is something to be proud of. Also as far as strenth training goes you will grow to accept it as part of your life. You can also find way to make it part of your everyday routine. For example wear ankle weights while doing household chores. Or doing 10 pushups during the commercials of your favorite shows. When walking around the house walk in lunges instead of strides, etc. You can find lots of ideas online. :) Keep up the awesomeness you m'dear are an inspiration! Love you!

  6. I'm right there with you girl! I'm training for my first half marathon, partially because I need to lose weight, but mostly because I'm honestly falling in love with running. It's great to see there are other, strong, beautiful women out there in the same place I am. I will be following your blog from now on! I just started Can't wait to follow your journey, and congrats on having the courage to start!

  7. You inspire me and I would like to just add a little something to your inspiration. Many of the skinny girls you see CANT do what you are doing. I'd know because I'm one of them. I'm on week 2 and struggling. Weight doesn't always have to do with fitness and health. I don't know you but I am proud of you. I have self esteem issues but your post helped me believe in myself just a little bit more.I'll keep following your progress because I think reading your blog will inspire me to get healthy like you.