Wednesday, July 14, 2010
I haven't been blogging much, but I have been running. Last week I totaled 7 1/2 miles. That doesn't sound like much, but I did manage a long run of 3 miles and I am very proud of that. I also did my strength training as scheduled, cursing and moaning the entire way. I do NOT enjoy strength training.
Weight loss isn't happening. I'm staying steady at 215 and I'm actually back UP 1 1/2 inches in my waist to 37 1/2. Normally, I would be very discouraged by this and curse myself every time I look in the mirror and proceed to drown in an entire chocolate cake. I engage in a lot of negative self-talk, and don't usually hesitate to inform me of what a piece of shit I am...and how all anybody can see when they look at my face is blubber...and how I should be ashamed to go out in public because nobody wants to look at somebody like me...and how I've been trying SO HARD but it just doesn't matter because I'm always going to be a fat loser. When I go out in public and see thin people, my first impulse is always to apologize to them for having to look at me!! Which is TOTALLY ridiculous, because if nothing else, I am doing them a favor by increasing their own self esteem.
However, I have not had any of these reactions to this lack of weight loss. To be perfectly honest, it hasn't affected me very much. I do have to hang my head a little bit and admit to myself that I need to start taking my nutrition more seriously...running will only take a person so far, especially at the distances that I am currently running.
But get this.
I went to a water park last week with my husband and children. I was not about to be the only person sitting on the sidelines and watching everyone else have fun just because I didn't want to wear a swimsuit in public. I thoroughly expected to have a pretty rotten day though...because this water park is in a college town--need I say more? Skinny, wretched, college girls in sexy bikinis--ugh. But whatever, I was prepared to suck it up and try to enjoy myself regardless. And I did!! I strutted my little ass all over that damn park, went on all the rides, and turned into a giant kid again. I saw people that were a lot bigger than me, but I also saw people a lot smaller than me that I wasn't even jealous of. Here's a newsflash that floored me: I have a better body than a lot of thin people!
Did you people know that a lot of skinny girls have drooping, unattractive body parts? They look great in clothes, but put em in a bathing suit and most of them are just as flabby as the rest of us! I must have forgotten.
Granted, I'm heavy and I will be the first one to admit it. But my skin is tight and supple, and I have great proportions, and there were not too many women that I would have traded places with that day!
Wait. Did I just compliment myself? Yeah, I think I did. What's going on here?
I've thought about this a lot, and I have to conclude that it all comes down to respect. My body has consistently amazed me over the past three months. I went from gasping for breath after 60 seconds of running to being able to run for 3 miles continuously. My body runs in the heat or in the pouring rain, it doesn't matter. It also rallies nobly while I put it through push ups, planks, and lunges. It hiked for 5 continuous hours this Sunday when my family visited Cumberland Island. I just can't hate my body the way I used to because it has earned my respect.
This isn't the kind of progress that I imagined making. I thought I was going to begin running and POOF! The pounds and inches would melt away and the birds would sing and the orchestra would play and I would never have another problem in my life again! Er..well that didn't happen.
But this is the kind of progress that is life changing, I'm thinking. If I never lose another pound, I'm okay with that. Forget about running a half marathon--holding my head high and truly respecting myself for once in my life-now THAT'S something I never thought I would achieve!!