What the Problem Really Is

I almost quit Sunday night. I had all of my excuses and justifications ready and organized, and I was already planning a dramatic final blog entry detailing my tragic, heroic exit from the fitness world!

There was no way that I could continue training because:
--The weather is too hot and humid!!
--By the time it cools down, its too late to run very far and what would I do when I get up to the longer distances in the plan?
--I've been running and exercising for 4 months now and haven't lost weight yet.
--I don't have a hydration belt and can't go for miles and miles without water.
--If I join a gym and run on a treadmill then that won't be effective enough training for an outdoor race.
--I don't feel comfortable going more than a few miles from my house, what am I supposed to do when I have to go on a 10 mile run? What if I get abducted and raped?
--I'm just too overweight to be able to go very fast and who wants to be the last one crossing the finish line??
--I read lots of other running blogs and nobody else seems to struggle as much as I do, so I must just not be meant to be a runner!!

These are only a fraction of the excuses that have been formulating in my head and getting louder over the past few weeks. Running seemed to be nothing more than a convenient time to think of more reasons to quit. Sunday was supposed to be my long run of 3 miles- I walked most of it, telling myself that I had finally HAD IT, I was tired of always feeling bad about myself, that I just lost the ability to run somehow, and I wasn't going to torture myself anymore.

But deep down, during all of this mental back and forth ass beating I was giving myself, I knew all along what the problem was. I Don't Believe In Myself. I don't believe that I can finish the race, I don't believe that I can lose weight, and I don't even believe I can complete the entire training period! I've never undertaken a goal of this magnitude before, and I'm frightened.

There is something very comforting about taking responsibility for your own thoughts and actions. The universe isn't conspiring against me to make sure I never reach my goals. My head is the problem, and everything else can be overcome! Once I allowed this to digest for a little while, I mustered the courage to go for my scheduled 2 miles today. I ran it, and I ran it pretty darn well...I didn't stop, and I didn't let myself think a bunch of negative thoughts. I really enjoyed myself for the first time in the past 3 weeks.

This journey has a lot more ups and downs than I ever imagined it would. THIS IS HARD. I guess I keep imagining that the obstacles will all go away soon and everything will just get easy. But I know that's not going to happen. And you know what? It's okay that this isn't totally smooth sailing. I think I'm going to keep hitting many highs and lows as I continue on. At least I'm getting a lot of practice at persevering!! What's that quote? 1 percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration? Well, its taking a hell of a lot of perspiring, but I seem to be plodding through the hard parts and maybe eventually I can run that race.

So I guess you guys are going to have to wait a little bit longer for my big dramatic exit from the blogosphere. I am over my latest hump, and ready to take on the world again (until my next meltdown, anyway.)