Saturday, June 26, 2010
Not Giving Up
I'm not certain how I feel about my run last night. Total ground covered: 2.8 miles. I had to stop and walk after 1.7, though. I only walked for a minute, literally less than a 10th of a mile. Then I picked it up and finished the last mile. So.
Like I said, I don't know how I feel about that. I don't know if I should count that as running 2.7 miles or only 1.7 miles. Which means I'm not sure if I should count that as an improvement from last time (my 2.2 straight miles). This may sound silly to a lot of you guys-hell, typing it out, it sounds silly to me. It sounded silly to Heather, and to my husband Jeremy. Silly Silly Silly!!!
Silly or not, I CANNOT stop beating myself up for stopping to walk. I CANNOT help feeling like that ruined everything about the run. I CANNOT help but feel like I backpedaled.
Why am I doing this to myself? In a week, I have seen tremendous improvement. In fact, last Friday was the first night that I've ever broken a mile, so my distance has more than doubled in over a week.
I am finding that giving myself credit for what I can do is much harder than beating myself up for what I cannot do. I am a naturally-prone self-loathing machine! I think that's why I have never been able to stick with anything before--feeling like I failed at something is a CRUTCH for not having to put in the hard work to DO IT ANYMORE!!
Last night's run was hard. I'm talking collapsed-in-the-driveway hard!! Seeing stars hard!! The hardest I've had since I began, and perhaps the lay-on-the-couch side of me has been shying away from having to do that again. If I can just admit that I've failed, I'm off the hook and at least I can say that I've tried.
SO!! (Deep breaths here)
I. HAVE. NOT. FAILED.
NOT every run is going to feel phenomenal!
NOT every run is going to be a new record!
I will FAIL when I refuse to slip on my water shoes and start pounding pavement.
Until then, I have to admit-I'm doing pretty damn good.