I'm not certain how I feel about my run last night. Total ground covered: 2.8 miles. I had to stop and walk after 1.7, though. I only walked for a minute, literally less than a 10th of a mile. Then I picked it up and finished the last mile. So.
Like I said, I don't know how I feel about that. I don't know if I should count that as running 2.7 miles or only 1.7 miles. Which means I'm not sure if I should count that as an improvement from last time (my 2.2 straight miles). This may sound silly to a lot of you guys-hell, typing it out, it sounds silly to me. It sounded silly to Heather, and to my husband Jeremy. Silly Silly Silly!!!
Silly or not, I CANNOT stop beating myself up for stopping to walk. I CANNOT help feeling like that ruined everything about the run. I CANNOT help but feel like I backpedaled.
Why am I doing this to myself? In a week, I have seen tremendous improvement. In fact, last Friday was the first night that I've ever broken a mile, so my distance has more than doubled in over a week.
I am finding that giving myself credit for what I can do is much harder than beating myself up for what I cannot do. I am a naturally-prone self-loathing machine! I think that's why I have never been able to stick with anything before--feeling like I failed at something is a CRUTCH for not having to put in the hard work to DO IT ANYMORE!!
Last night's run was hard. I'm talking collapsed-in-the-driveway hard!! Seeing stars hard!! The hardest I've had since I began, and perhaps the lay-on-the-couch side of me has been shying away from having to do that again. If I can just admit that I've failed, I'm off the hook and at least I can say that I've tried.
SO!! (Deep breaths here)
I. HAVE. NOT. FAILED.
NOT every run is going to feel phenomenal!
NOT every run is going to be a new record!
I will FAIL when I refuse to slip on my water shoes and start pounding pavement.
Until then, I have to admit-I'm doing pretty damn good.
Okay.
ReplyDeleteYou have already intellectualized the things that you KNOW are true.
But here comes my pep talk anyway!
You are AMAZING. You are strong! Have you forgotten that it is summer? Did you forget that all you wanted to do was sit around and drink margaritas all day (margaritas optional) before we browbeat you into getting out there and doing your run? Bottom line? YOU GOT OUT THERE AND DI A RUN!
Have you decided all of a sudden that someone is grading you?
We aren't grading you -- we are SUPPORTING you.
I analyze EVERYTHING. I think that you and I are quite a bit alike in that respect! I will debate for 20 minutes where to run, weighing the pros and cons of each location, until I completely psych myself OUT! (that's what happened before w5d3)
Hang in there.
Every run will not be fabulous. As we venture into longer runs, stretching becomes crucial, and our MIND becomes critical. Mind over Matter!
You not only CAN do this, you ARE doing this.
:)
You are awesome. Keep up the running. I have felt this way too. I am proud of you for running.
ReplyDeleteI still think you run whatever it is you run, whether or not you stop to catch your breath or pick a daisy on the side of the road. It's up to you to decide how you'll measure your achievements. But if you try to fine-tune them too much you'll miss them entirely. Enjoy, soak it up. Let it in. There's so much more to come ;)
ReplyDeleteI think that some of the `running`I do must actually qualify as a hoppy walk. I know that my warmup walk is faster than whatever it is I`m doing at about the halfway point of the run....One day I`m going to pay attention to the flashing lights I see when it`s 88% humidity and I will STOP running and walk so as not to have a stroke. Do not feel badly. You are moving. You rock.
ReplyDeleteJen, first you have to remember that a month ago you could not run at all. Second you are taking a huge step in the right direction by sharing your thoughts good or bad with us and letting us push you forward. Third it is ALWAYS easier to beat ourselves up than it is to praise ourselves because it is habit to be hard on ourselves. That change will come too you just have to keep practicing positive thought. If nothing else put up sticky notes on your bathroom mirror that say things like "Your a runner", "Your strong and on your way to a healthier you", "I will achieve my goal and not give up". It seems cheesy but the more you repeat these types of positive self thoughts the less you will beat yourself up over the small stuff. If you need to walk it out then continue then that is what your body is telling you too do. You already know by now to listen to your body. As long as you don't stop altogether your still keeping your heart rate going, there is nothing wrong with it. If you try to over train your body you will do more damage than good, (Remember your knee?) I love you, I don't have to tell you that you already know it. But I will continue to tell you that your awesome and inspiring so don't give up!! Don't beat yourself up!! Love you like I love you!
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