Standing Up to Me

OK, I just had  a sorta mental breakthrough, I think!!

I haven't worked very hard this week. I don't know what's been up with me and running lately, but I just haven't been getting out there to do it. It's having such a chain effect on me, and I didn't fully realize that until this morning.

My eating has been slipping a little bit every day, too. Not that I've gone over my calories--until yesterday, I was staying within them just fine. But I was getting closer and closer to the threshold...and then yesterday afternoon- BAM! My husband brought home some danish butter cookies and a loaf of french bread shaped like a candy cane from work. It was his company's Christmas gift to the employees.  I was doing fine with my calories until then-better than fine actually-but I was hungry. I got up to get some baby carrots and I wound up cutting a huge piece of bread and buttering it and eating that instead!! It was sooooooo good...but it didn't fill me up, so I had another one. Then after that, I was ravenous, and I descended upon the butter cookies!! Oh My God....it was bliss!!

It was at this point I decided not to write these calories down because I didn't want to know what they were. I made the conscious decision to keep eating and hide. My husband made steak for dinner...I totally didn't mean to eat the whole thing but I did. The "screw it" mentality had totally taken over.  More cookies after dinner....why not, right? The damage was already done.

I woke up this morning feeling very guilty about yesterday. I also felt like a cad for only exercising once this week. And not to mention---TERRIFIED about my weigh in tomorrow! I feel like I can't face what the scale says. I just won't be able to take it if I step on tomorrow and find out that I have undone some or all of my hard work. Then what? Then what has all of this been for??

It's almost enough to send a girl running for her covers!!

And that was when it hit me!! This has so little to do with the food that I've eaten. This is about ACCOUNTABILITY.   I was adopting my old mentality of ignoring things and hoping they would go away. I didn't want to write my calories down so I didn't have to face what I had eaten. I've been telling myself every day that I'm going to get out the door for a run, and every day I just wind up "forgetting" about it until its too late to go. This is WHY I gained all the weight in the first place. Once I stop paying attention to what I'm doing, all bets are off.

I don't know why that is, but really, how hard is it to log in what I eat? It takes about 10 seconds. How hard is it to go for a run? I love to run--at least, I used to. I miss the high, I miss the feeling of accomplishment. Why am I letting it all slip away from me? Is it just in my nature to become complacent and let nothing but my need for pleasure take over and make me lose perspective over everything that is important to me? Is it possible to write a sentence that is longer than the one I just wrote?? Probably, knowing me!!Lol. Anyway!!

I don't know why I have slipped this week, but I'm not slipping anymore. I'm taking my power back NOW before this gets out of hand. There will be time for self introspection later, now is the time for action!! I'm off to go log in my calories and do some exercise. Maybe I can still salvage this week, maybe not. But if I have to fight me for me, that's what I will do.

And tomorrow...I'm facing that scale. I am going to own whatever it says. It may not be pretty, but knowing is half the battle!!

And I'm going into battle....