I have nothing good to say today. There are times when I feel like I've come very far in the past year. This is not one of those times. This is a day for staying in my pajamas all day, feeling sorry for myself, and complaining.
I am TIRED of fighing against the current here! For the past week, all I have wanted to do is crumple into a ball and sleep. I have NO motivation to exercise, to eat well, or to get out of bed. My children and I are both on Christmas break from school. Therefore, there is nothing making me get up in the morning. My day has no focus...they are all blending together and moving by in a blur. I hate myself for being so weak that something like a simple change in routine can derail me so completely..I feel like yesterday's blog post was FAKE. I have become so used to being positive that its difficult to acknowledge when I don't feel that way. I don't know if I've ever mentioned this...I don't remember...but I suffer from chronic depression. It comes in spells...the vast majority of the time, I am completely normal, but when it hits, it hits hard. 2009 was one of the worst years of my life, and I have spent most of 2010 recovering from it! I'm not saying that its happening again...I know that it isn't...but it still frustrates me how quickly I go back to old patterns!! When I don't have the motivation to exercise (or even get DRESSED), it makes me sick to my STOMACH!! So it doesn't matter how far I've come, how well I've learned to take care of myself, mentally and physically?? Everything can just go to shit because of something completely normal like CHRISTMAS VACATION??? This is ridiculous.
And I know how it must sound!! I have nothing to bitch about...I love my life, I love my family, I love love love love LOVE!!! But I don't love this weakness...I don't love not being able to bitch slap this drudgery in the face. And I know that without the proper exercise and nutrition, my body feels bad. When my body feels bad, my mind automatically follows, and thus begins the vicious cycle which takes months and months to get out of, and only a couple of days to slip into again. Its disgusting, I'm disgusting, my family and friends deserve better.