Tuesday, December 28, 2010

The Bitching Hour

I have nothing good to say today. There are times when I feel like I've come very far in the past year. This is not one of those times. This is a day for staying in my pajamas all day, feeling sorry for myself, and complaining.
I am TIRED of fighing against the current here! For the past week, all I have wanted to do is crumple into a ball and sleep. I have NO motivation to exercise, to eat well, or to get out of bed. My children and I are both on Christmas break from school. Therefore, there is nothing making me get up in the morning. My day has no focus...they are all blending together and moving by in a blur. I hate myself for being so weak that something like a simple change in routine can derail me so completely..I feel like yesterday's blog post was FAKE. I have become so used to being positive that its difficult to acknowledge when I don't feel that way. I don't know if I've ever mentioned this...I don't remember...but I suffer from chronic depression. It comes in spells...the vast majority of the time, I am completely normal, but when it hits, it hits hard. 2009 was one of the worst years of my life, and I have spent most of 2010 recovering from it! I'm not saying that its happening again...I know that it isn't...but it still frustrates me how quickly I go back to old patterns!! When I don't have the motivation to exercise (or even get DRESSED), it makes me sick to my STOMACH!! So it doesn't matter how far I've come, how well I've learned to take care of myself, mentally and physically?? Everything can just go to shit because of something completely normal like CHRISTMAS VACATION??? This is ridiculous.
And I know how it must sound!! I have nothing to bitch about...I love my life, I love my family, I love love love love LOVE!!! But I don't love this weakness...I don't love not being able to bitch slap this drudgery in the face. And I know that without the proper exercise and nutrition, my body feels bad. When my body feels bad, my mind automatically follows, and thus begins the vicious cycle which takes months and months to get out of, and only a couple of days to slip into again. Its disgusting, I'm disgusting, my family and friends deserve better.


  1. What a post to dscover for the first time. Listen to me...YOU ARE NOT DISGUSTING. Yes, we all make badk choices. We, often, choose to be lazy and things of that nature. It's ok. Push through though. Don't wait to be motivate to do anything. Just plan it and follow through. Like I remind myself...I've never felt guilty after going to the gym; however, I have felt guilty for not going!!! You can do this....PROMISE!

  2. Dude, I'm there, too.


    Polar's Mom

  3. If it is depression, just remember that is not your fault. Get out with your kids and go for a walk-you will feel better if you do. I promise!

  4. Wow, I just found your blog from your comment on mine and I am glad I did. I suffer from depression as well and sometimes I really just can't the stand the person that I am. I can totally relate to your post today. I have one similar that you may like to read. Check it out here,http://pedestrianrunner.blogspot.com/2010/08/where-i-was-last-week.html. I wrote it in one of my darkest hours. But the good news is that I came out of my funk and so will you. I mean I have to follow the great adventures that you are going to have in 2011!

    You are wonderful and beautiful! Don't let anyone, particularly yourself tell you differently!

  5. I also suffer from chronic depression and I too find that I will fall back into my old patterns (some "patterns" were really bad). I hate when that happens. But, we can be better than it!! I can tell that you are a fighter. You are not disgusting. Tomorrow can be a fresh start. And, remember you are not alone. Stay strong!!

  6. I completely agree with you. I have been homebound for a few days. I know I need to go run, but here I am on the couch, in pajamas, for the second day in a row. Maybe if it wasn't pouring buckets outside, blah blah blah... I am so SICK of my excuses and feeling bad for myself. I totally know how you feel.

    New follower to your blog.


  7. I agree with Michele, get out there with the kids. It will make you feel better. You have accomplished so much. The first thing I see on your site is the Weight Loss ticker - 15 pounds is awesome and I know you can meet your goal. I do believe that getting out there and being active helps with depression. At the very least, it gets your mind off things. There were many a day where I did not want to do anything - we all have them.

  8. Thank you all so much for your encouraging comments.
    Corletta- I promise all of my posts aren't like this! I was just kinda down and out today. I hope I didn't scare you away!
    PM--ugh, I totally know what you mean. I feel like I could've written that myself. I really hope that by next Christmas, we won't have to worry about this crap anymore.
    Michele and Jeff- I took your advice and went and roller bladed with the kiddos for an hour. I really do feel a lot better now. I forgot how much I used to love roller skating.
    Christie and LBirch and Jenna- It's good to know that you understand. I was slightly nervous putting it out there, but now I'm very glad that I did. Christie, that post was raw and bleeding, and thank you so much for sharing it with me. There really is something so comforting in knowing that I'm not alone. Sometimes its easy to forget!
    Anyway, tomorrow's post won't be so draggish maybe. I really am feeling better...thank you again so much everyone. You don't know how much it means.

  9. For what it's worth...I think by sitting down (even in your pajamas) and writing it all down is the best thing. Everyone...EVERYONE...has days when we feel like we're off track. Whether we are diagnosed with clinical depression or not. You have taken the first step to "bitch slapping" your crummy feelings. And you know in your heart that getting out and doing something that makes you happy will help turn the tide. I couldn't be more proud of you. Proud that you did something positive to change the negative. I've been reading your blog for almost a year now and I see what incredible strides you have made in your self improvement. One moment of back sliding is no big deal in the big picture. Keep on keeping on my friend.